Two Jews drive past the building where the brothel used to be.
One sighs: “Oh!...”
The second to him: “You will tell me!”

- our Tsilya became an architect!
What is she building?
- walks along Deribasovskaya and pretends to be a girl.

Two Jews are walking along a dark alley. Robbers jump out and demand money. Well, nowhere to go, they get wallets ...
One says to the other:
— Izya, did I owe you two hundred dollars? So. I give in front of witnesses.

An old Jew is walking along the street, a young guy is overtaking him. The old Jew shouts after him:
— Young man, are you in the laundry?
- Yes.
- Follow me!

Sarah and Abram went to bed. Abram is awake, sighing, tossing and turning... Sarah:
- Why you do not sleep?
“Yes, I owe Moishe a hundred roubles, so I’m thinking about how I’m going to pay it back…”
Sara gets up, opens the window and yells "Moishe, Moishe!"
The window opposite opens and Moishe asks: “What do you want, Sarah?”
“Abram owes you a hundred rubles?”
- Yes!
So, he won't give them to you!
He closes the window and says: “Sleep, Abram, let Moishe not sleep now!”

- Mom, who is Karl Marx?
- Economist
— How is our aunt Tsilya?
- Well, why are you talking nonsense, our aunt Tsilya is a senior economist ...

Comrade Rabinovich, who has been living with bated breath for 72 years, won the international yoga competition.

During the war, Abram is called to the district committee and they say:
- The whole country is fighting the Nazis, and you are wiping your pants at home.
Abraham justifies himself:
- So I'm short-sighted, sick, I don't know how to shoot, blow up ...
“Here is a task for you to complete. Take packs of leaflets, stomp behind enemy lines and distribute.
Three days later Abram returns and reports:
- Distributed leaflets. Where to donate money?

The old Jew examines the insurance policy incredulously.
Jew: “Tell me, what and if my house does burn down, will you pay me this amount?”
Agent: "Yes, but on the condition that you don't set fire to this house yourself."
Jew (angrily waving the policy): “I felt!!! There is a catch here!!!”

Is it true that all whores have sparkling eyes?
...Armenian radio refused to answer.
Then the Odessa radio was connected: “If all the whores had sparkling eyes, then there would always be white nights in Odessa.”
On this score, the Leningrad radio said: "Please, no hints."

— Abram, where did you get yourself such a suit?
- In Paris…
— Is it far from Berdichev?
- Well, approximately two thousand kilometers will be.
- Just think about it! Such wilderness, but how well they sew!

Three tailors lived on the same street in Odessa.
The first had a sign "The Best Tailor in Europe", the second - "The Best Tailor in the World".
The third, thinking, wrote: "The best tailor in this street"

A Jew comes to a rabbi and asks:
— Rebbe, what is the meaning of life?
Wow, what a good question! Do you want to exchange it for an answer?

Once David came to the rabbi:
— Rebbe, I am a sinner because I had an affair with a married woman.
- Oh sinner! What a nightmare! Now admit it - who is she?!
— No, I promised to keep the name a secret.
- Ah well?! Yes, I don’t even need to say anything, I know everything - it’s probably Sarah, that the tailor’s wife!
- Not.
“Hmmmm… Well then it must be Rose!” Yes, yes, yes, our cantor's sister, she's still a harlot!
“Well, no, not her.
- OOO!! I know! This is Claudia, Dr. Zalman's granddaughter! EXACTLY SHE - there is nowhere to put a seal! How low did you fall? Ooooh..
- No no no! This is not Claudia.
“You are impudent and opposed to me, get out!” You have no forgiveness, get out!!
Meanwhile, David's friends were waiting at the entrance. And once it's out:
- Well, how? Released?
- Yes, nooo .. But! I found out such 3 addresses here !!!

Little Izya brought a diary from school with the teacher's remark “Izya smells bad. Izya needs to be washed."
The next day, Izya brings a diary to school, where it is written in his father's hand: “Izya does not need to be sniffed. Izya needs to be taught."

3 a.m. Doorbell. A young, pumped-up person opens, an old Jew stands on the threshold.
- Hello, did you save the life of my son, Iza, today? Risking his life, pulled him out of the water when he began to sink?
- Well, yes, but what is it, it's already late at night. I understand your feelings, gratitude, all that.. but it's too late. What happened?
- You know, he still had a hat on ...

— Rabinovich! Do you have a hundred dollars to change?
No, but thanks for the compliment!

- Fima, lend a ruble!
— Oh, I can't! I don't have it with me!
— And at home?
- Houses? With your prayers, everything is fine at home!

- Can you tell me how much this meat costs?
"Why won't I tell you?" Have we quarreled?

Are you going to Rabinovich's funeral?
- Why should I go? Do you think he'll come to mine?

- Madame Trachtenberg, is your Sofochka getting married?
- Yes, a little...

- Abram, how many spoons of sugar do you need, two or three?
- ONE! But I saw Schaub!

One Hasid decided to go to a disco. Well, he thinks, all my life I sacredly honored the laws, can I just once look at these discos of theirs? He dressed in a bright shirt, combed his sidelocks, goes out into the street and gets hit by a truck. He appears before God and says to him:
Why did you punish me like that? All my life I followed all the rules, only once I wanted to go - to see how everything is with them!
— Oh, Izzy! It's you? But I didn't recognize you!

Abram returns from the doctor:
“Sarah, you won’t believe that what you and I always took for an orgasm was asthma!”

The rabbi and the father bought a car together. Not to argue
decided that their purchase would not apply to any denomination.
But the priest could not resist and secretly from the rabbi still sprinkled
holy water car. The next morning he wakes up, and the car has an exhaust
pipe cut off 5 cm.

- Rabinovich, what is that lantern under your eye?
- And let them not climb !!

A wealthy Jew prays in the synagogue, begging God to help him finally buy a Mercedes. Then another one comes, with the appearance of a typical impoverished Soviet engineer, for nothing that he is a Jew, and begins to earnestly pray. The rich man turns to him in bewilderment:
“Oh dear, what are you praying for?”
- I ask that they pay pgemia, then I will finally be able to buy myself a "Zaporozhets"
— (Holding out the money) Take it, and don’t distract the Lord anymore on trifles!

“I came to Israel only for the sake of the children. They are so happy now!
- Do you live together?
- What are you, how can you?! They stayed in Odessa.

A young rabbi comes to an old rabbi:
- Rebbe, advise what to do. Yesterday after the sermon, when people went home, I discovered that my favorite galoshes were gone!
Read the 10 commandments to them next Saturday. On the commandment "Thou shalt not steal," carefully look into their eyes. Whoever looks down - work harder with that.
A few days later, a call to the old rabbi:
- Oh, baby, thank you very much, You helped me a lot…
- What, a thief was found?
— Not exactly… I started reading the Torah to people. And on the commandment “Do not commit adultery,” he suddenly remembered where he had left his galoshes!

A Jew walks, sees two Arabs knocking out a carpet with sticks...
— Shaw, it won't start?

- And here we have the grave of the unknown soldier Rabinovich.
“But, excuse me, what kind of unknown is he, if you know his last name?”
It is unknown if he was a soldier.

Brighton Beach. Two Odessans are coming.
- Izya, your English is so good, tell me, how would they say "for"?
- Abrasha, in their language "for" will be "behind". What do you want?
“I want to ask that Negro to ask for his Cadillac.”

Odessa. Hot June day. A Jew stands in the market and sells slightly rotten fish.
Old blind Abram passes by and, coming up to the counter, sniffs the air and says:
- Girls, cheer up!

Odessa, stop, a trolleybus drives up, a man gets out of it, starts looking around and asks a passer-by:
- Tell me, where is Privoz?
- Import? You still had six stops to go.
- Yes? But in the trolleybus they told me to get out now ..
— Excuse me, were you sitting or standing?

"Tell me, don't tell me...
“Oh, you know, I don't know.

Evening at the Rabinovichi. The hostess brings one of the ladies a plate of cakes.
Thanks, I already ate one.
- Well, let's say, not one, but four, but who counts for you ?!

An old Israeli arrives in London. At passport control, an official helps him fill out an entry form.
— Your name?
— Moshe.
— Family name?
— Mizrahi.
— Citizenship?
— Israel.
— Occupation?
— No, no. Just visiting

Hello, can I hear Rabinovich?
- older or younger?!
- senior!
- you know, they both managed ..

— Rosa, where did you tear your expensive stockings?
About tanks...
What tanks?
- On the shoulder straps ...

Jewish family visiting.
Mom son:
“Monya, don’t eat this, we have it at home!”

— Hello, hello! Izzy at home?
- So far, yes, but the wreaths have already been taken out.

Jew at the hippodrome watching the races:
- Well, what do you want? Is it horses? These are not horses, these are whores. But Tsilevich and Deribasovskaya have whores. So here are the horses.

The Jewish family decided to give their son for re-education to the priest. Coming in a month
- How is our boy?
“Your boy, something special!”

Two lying, and one leg that got into an accident, very sexy. - Is the leg sexy? And the leg too. - My leg. - Agree, if we take the full complement. - Let's take everyone. - No questions. Look, General, gynecology might be better. - Wait a minute, you see... - Lyosha. Alexey, many operations failed due to poor study of possible options. Yes, I agree, women are also in gynecology. Well, if during the holiday someone goes further. - Come in, come in. - It's a pain. If the disease does not allow you to fulfill the desired. It's mental and physical trauma. Injury! And only from injury! - Don't push me against the wall! - Carefully! - Turn left, turn right. - Don't break your legs! Zainka, I'm so happy! How thankful I am! Thanks a lot. We need to put a star on the Christmas tree. Can you handle it? You feel good ... There are only fractures, but bruises. - Ready. - Let's glue. Right here? Higher? I think he always wants to say something. Don't worry, we'll heal you. - There are no reasons for concern. Next year you will be able to walk and write on your own. It's OK. Do not worry. You just have broken testicles. - At all? - No, not at all. I think he wants to say something again. And you set his jaw. Maybe he'll say something. Say - sausage, sausage, bitch. - Sausage, sausage, bitch. - Dislocation. Our exercises were held in the taiga, in extreme conditions. And ensign Ivanko, when landing from a low altitude, dislocated his jaw from hitting the ground, and then for three days he got out to his own with his mouth open. Everything would be fine, but there was a lot of nastiness. He then became a vegetarian. - Your mother! - Yes. . . - Where did you hide me? - Yes, you are in the hospital, in trauma. - Where are my clothes, I need to call. - You'd better not move. See? You don't have to worry about clothes. It is securely closed. Take me to the phone. I hope there is a telephone in this almshouse? revived. Sorry, there is something. . . You feel good. You only have. . . Sorry the wheel is stuck. Sorry. Let's hang a red one. Handsomely? It's me again, sorry. There are none at the villa, only servants. And give the phone number of the palace, they say they went there. Thank you. - You can call? - Please. It's me. What's with the voice? My voice is just fine. Tell me please, why am I paying you such money? And I'm here, God knows where, in pajamas. And you are drunk there. Let's urgently all to me. And you thought that these bastards put me down? Thanks for the advice. What protection, what doors? This is solid glass. No, I don't need a doctor anymore. I just need to lay down. Parasites! Is the place safe? Reliable, reliable! We have a policeman guarding the territory here. What are we celebrating? Today New Year! Turns out it's New Year's Day. Excuse me please, tell me, where is your second injury? How can you explain? Follow in my footsteps. Don't miss. Thank you father. - Like a little accepted. - You to whom? Sir, but this is an inappropriate question on New Year's Eve, addressed to the main participant in the event. Leva! - Who is calling Lenin? - Well, I went. You will meet a little one in pajamas, in an earflap, bring him. This is my. I'm going to you, and here he lies, face down in a snowdrift. Well, I think it can freeze, so I grabbed it. Well, an extra Santa Claus is not a hindrance to the holiday. - Of course, the work is difficult. Yes, his nose is frostbitten. It is possible that he was lying face down in the snow. - Painfully? Process. - The newcomer probably did not distribute his forces. With me in my youth, the same thing happened, only I fell asleep under the tree. In a snowdrift? No, thank God, in kindergarten. Well, my snow maiden is on the street. But nothing happened to her, she turned out to be strong. There wasn't even a runny nose. Boots are expensive. Santa Claus can't afford these. What do you understand! By the way, last year I cut down so much on housing orders alone, I could have bought more than one pair of shoes. The seconds stepped aside. Étienne smiled and calmly looked up at the sky. God, he whispered, give me

Told the dog a joke

I love this joke very much. Of course, it needs to be told, in the printed version it loses a lot.

Very instructive. In life, such "little birds" are found everywhere. It makes no sense to spend personal time and energy on them - until there is an internal transformation and a change in one's own perception, the "little bird" will not become "big". This process can be facilitated from the outside, but only if a person has what is called the right intention in Buddhism (one of the steps of the Eightfold Path).

Good joke 13

Big kind birds lived on the pond. Autumn came and they began to gather south. Then a little bird came up to them and said:
- Well, of course (when telling aloud, it is said slowly and sadly), you fly away to the south, and I stay here to freeze.
- No problem, come on, a little bird flew with us, - said the big kind birds.
- Well, of course, it’s good for you, your wings are so big, once they waved and it’s already far away, but I have small ones, I’ll leave you behind, get lost and die.
Don't be afraid, little bird. We will fly slowly so that you can keep up with us - said the big kind birds.
- Well, of course, you are so big and strong, - said the little bird, - you can fly for a long time, but I am small and weak, I will quickly get tired, fall and break.
“Little bird, we will put you on the biggest and strongest bird and it will take you with us to warm lands,” said the big kind birds.
- Well, of course, - said the little bird, - you have big paws, you will build nests for yourself, and I will spend the night on the bare sand.
- Do not worry, we will build a nest for you too, - said the big kind birds.
- Well, of course, - said the little bird, - you have such long beaks, you can easily find food for yourself, and I will die of hunger.
“We will get food for you, too,” said the big kind birds.
- Well, of course, - said the little bird, - ...
And then the main big kind bird looked at her sternly and said:
- So. Went to hell!