Sometimes you don’t feel like working at all, but the weekend is far away and the time off is already over. In such situations, people begin to think about what kind of excuse to compose so that the boss will allow them to be lazy at home. Some employees come up with incredible inventions.
We have collected and remembered all the most popular, but at the same time interesting and incredible excuses invented by people, just to skip a working day. We do not encourage you to use them in any way. But it is worth reading them at least for the sake of getting acquainted with human cunning during the next bout of laziness.
Diseases and injuries
Human health is generally the most well-worn reason not to go to work. And it is also the most unverifiable, especially when it comes to one-day problems like poisoning or headaches. Therefore, it is not worth contacting her if there is a desire to get away from work: most bosses have already eaten a dog on such “sick” workers and are cracking them like seeds.
However, even in this hackneyed topic there are people who manage to come up with ingenious excuses. So, one employee called and said that a Christmas tree had fallen on him. A small Christmas tree was thrown on him from the closet by a cat. Therefore, the employee experiences severe moral suffering from completely physical scratches and wounds on the head, so that he will not come to work. Another made up a completely unverifiable story:
"One employee American company complained that after attending a performance in the circus, his ear began to hurt badly, because the saliva of the animal got into it.
And another employee the next morning told the employer that she had caught something very contagious: she was sick, her head hurts and her hands were shaking. However, the symptoms coincide with the usual hangover, but the filing made the authorities doubt and still let the employee go to bed.
In addition, you can always stock up on props:
“You take a plaster bandage at the pharmacy and rewind your wrist! Just be careful not to squeeze. And if anything, then he turned to a doctor he knew. And now the bruise is ready!
Plumbing and related problems
Almost the main excuse for the work of all times and peoples is a broken tap or a burst pipe. In that case, of course, you need to stay at home and deal with the consequences, since the neighbors below will obviously not be happy with the water in their apartment. However, some employees manage to invent incredible excuses:
“When I had to go with my friends to a bachelorette party in Las Vegas, I told my boss that my bathtub fell through the ceiling to the first floor, and I needed three days to fix it.”
Oddly enough, the boss came into the position and gave her time off.
Education and everything that goes with it
Students and part-time young people can use the university to come up with an excuse. However, this is not always necessary: the university itself adds a large number of days off and vacations for sessions and exams. Although it does not apply to ordinary days. But even at the university, force majeure circumstances can happen:
“One employee in a panic called the employer and said that in his educational institution floods the basement where the laboratories are located. And right now, his laboratory mice are drowning there, on which he set up some kind of experiment!
Of course, the employer stepped in and let the young scientist go to save the fruits of his work, without which he would not have been able to defend his diploma.
Problem with doors and locks
Many employees try to get away from work by reporting problems with doors and locks. Allegedly, it was at the moment of leaving the apartment a breakdown has occurred. And so the employee cannot come to the office or the factory today: do not leave the apartment open. The topic is hackneyed, but practically unverifiable. Therefore, it still works even in non-standard versions:
“Once I was in a hurry to get to work, however, when I started to open the front door, nothing happened. I pushed it, but this insidious construction did not give in to me, as if something was interfering outside. Having strained, I managed to move the obstacle a little, and what was my surprise when I saw the outlines of a sleeping citizen through the gap that had formed.
The most original version of the excuse was given by an employee of one large holding. In the morning he called and said that they tried to break his door lock from outside. The case was not brought to the end, so now the door does not close. And the worker sits and waits for the arrival of the police and locksmiths - to take fingerprints and replace the lock with a new one. Of course, in such a situation, there is no way to go to work. Others compose something like this, combining two themes at once:
“An elderly woman called the boss from the bus, which allegedly went to the veterinary clinic. In the morning, her dog swallowed her car keys, and there is no chance of getting to work.”
All kinds of accidents with cars
Personal car - Another reason to skip work, otmazyvayas various problems. Drivers know that a car can break down at any second, even if it is perfectly maintained. It's just bad luck, that's all. Therefore, some car owners take advantage of this feature and take time off from work under the pretext of a breakdown on the road or an accident. Others argue that they must pass an inspection or go to the insurance company.
However, these banal excuses can not be compared with the stories of experienced inventors. Their car gets into a variety of alterations: it teleports to a neighboring yard, freezes into ice, rolls into a nearby traffic light, and so on. For some, the unfortunate car not only broke down in a variety of variations, but even exploded for no apparent reason:
“An IT employee said that on the way to work, his car for unknown reasons ... exploded. He himself somehow miraculously remained unharmed, but at this particular moment he is watching the firefighters extinguish his vehicle.
And some invent real fables:
“Twelve-year-old daughter stole a car, so the employee has no way to get to work.”
For family reasons
A vague and unclear reason for missing work, which can cover an employee if he is absent for a shift. At the same time, it is not even necessary to somehow spread about what happened - it is enough make a confused and sad voice for the employer to believe. Although some came up with entire dramatic stories, if only the excuse sounded more believable.
For example, once one of the employees took a few days off to pick up his brother from the hospital. Then he called and said that everything was bad, his brother was dying, and therefore he needed a few more days to be with him. The finale was stifled sobs from the pipe and a request for extraordinary leave for the funeral. However, somehow it turned out that this employee does not have a brother and never had. Of course, the case ended in dismissal. Similar case:
“The man was so heartbroken over the alleged death of his father that he was absent from work for a week. And six days later he tried to take a day off to get to a very late funeral.
Children are also an eternal generator of excuses from work, or at least a reason for being late:
“I was late for work because before taking my child to kindergarten, he needed it at the most inopportune time for the most inopportune need. The delay time corresponds to the duration of the same physiological process. This case can be attributed to force majeure circumstances, i.e. force majeure, as they do not depend on my desire to be in time for work.
Pet problems
Pet owners open up a whole field for fantasies on the topic of excuses from work. After all, pets it is an important part of life. And if something happens to them, then the problem must be solved quickly. Therefore, you can always think that the dog or cat ran away or got sick:
“You know, I was late this morning because my cat got lichen. Some kind of horror! I took him to one clinic, it's closed there. I'm in another - there too. Only in the third clinic there was an appointment, but there was a wild queue ... The cat was yelling, dogs were barking nearby, chickens were clucking!”
Although some owners go further and invent some blockbusters. One worker managed to get a kitten stuck... in the drain hole in the bathroom. And so he took time off from work to wait for the plumber and dismantle the drain. However, sometimes you can be straightforward and honest if a tragedy happened:
“Andrei Nikolaevich, I’m sorry I didn’t call, I’ll start crying again, my cat died yesterday, she cried all night, I’ll try to come by dinner, one eye is very swollen, as if conjunctivitis. Thank you for understanding what to say to the authorities at your discretion, sick or as it is, I don’t know how best.
Critical days
"Women's Affairs" is still under a rigid social taboo. Therefore, it is not customary to talk about problems in this area. But they can also help when you urgently need to relax. Well, or when it really got bad.
Some women report that any mention of painful periods or associated problems magically affects the authorities. As a rule, men do not even want to hear about problems in this area and simply allow the worker to stay at home. Leaders, on the other hand, often enter the position of an employee and give her the opportunity to sit out the first day of menstruation at home. Attention! The method does not always work (many employers do not want to understand this problem) and is suitable only for those who are not afraid to talk about such things.
By the way, you can use another "forbidden topic":
“Yesterday you celebrated with your loved one (here you can come up with any of your personal holidays, for example, three months without quarrels) and you were so carried away by this business in bed that today it’s not very easy to walk ... Or even simpler, you tried a new position and broke a little back."
Law enforcement intervention
The police can seriously change a person's plans overnight, even if he did nothing. Often the servants of the law Witnesses required. Or they just wanted to check the documents on the street (which is not very legal, but already familiar). Therefore, excuses for police intervention are quite real:
“The police came and caught a drug dealer in our entrance, I had to be a witness (it was in fact, but in a neighboring house in the 90s).”
For example, one young employee, before starting the night shift, said that he was detained by the police for (attention) lack of documents, and was waiting for his parents! The PPS squad allegedly mistook an adult for a neglected teenager and took him to the department until the circumstances were clarified. Of course, the employee was hopelessly late for work, and therefore asked for a day off for that date.
Long-term force majeure
Alas, bad things happen in life. You can accidentally fall down the stairs, fall into a manhole, get stuck in an elevator, or, for example, swim in a nearby puddle. All this does not contribute to work - often due to force majeure you have to ask for time off:
“One worker told his boss that he was accidentally left on the island while on vacation.”
Another girl told me that she managed to get stuck in an elevator between floors. She doesn't know how she managed to do this, but the keys to the technical floor where she stands engine room, there are only a couple of people. And while they arrive, while they wait for the elevator operators ... In general, this is a long time, and you can not wait for her at work. Or it could happen like this:
“A truck full of flour dumped the contents of the body onto a man while he was sitting in his convertible.”
Help from spouses or relatives
If an employee has a wife or husband, this is a great reason to come up with an excuse related to them. Most of the time employees say that the husband is seriously ill or got into some problems in which their help is urgently needed. In general, a springboard for the development of fantasy.
For example, one married couple decided they didn't want to work. And so they called each other's employers and said that in an hour they would have to attend a court hearing. Therefore, they really need to ask their spouse to leave work for moral support. Of course, the touched authorities on both sides released both the husband and the wife.
Another girl on the forums was advised this:
“Tell that your sister has become ill and urgently needs to be taken to the hospital, and you are the only one who is in this moment is close to her."
life-threatening situations
In some cases, standard excuses for work no longer pass. The authorities either do not pay attention to such “petty” problems, or they already know the employee as flaky. In this case, extreme situations come to the rescue, which are very rare, but quite probable.
For example, one man took off from work for several days due to the fact that he had a fight with a crowd of gopniks in the yard the day before. How he was going to justify the lack of bruising is unknown. Another girl complained to the authorities on the phone that she was attacked by a robber, and therefore she sits with the police and testifies.
Others even experience such “force majeure”:
“While an employee was bowling, a bucket of water broke through the ceiling and fell on his head.”
Faith and everything connected with it
Often, people who truly believe in someone or something must perform certain rituals or perform actions that can interfere with the schedule. The majority of believers seek to push these things aside so as not to interfere with social and working life. But some people who really need a day off can use their faith for their own good in the truest sense of the word.
There are cases when the three words "I'm in the church" or "I'm at the shaman's" could give an employee a day off. Although the most interesting use of this excuse can be considered this story:
“The girl wrote a message to the employer: “I am swearing. I communicate with spirits. I will tomorrow."
Not every leader will respond to such a message quickly!
shower and electricity
Oddly enough, even a banal trip to the shower can serve as a reason for excuses from work. But this will only work in a situation where it is very cold outside, there is no electricity at home, and the employee or employee has long and thick curls that dry for a long time after a shower:
“I have a colleague who lives on the other side of the city from work. Once she called the boss and said that in the morning she went to the shower, washed her hair and turned off the electricity. It was winter, I didn’t want to leave the house with a wet head. It took me half a day, my hair is long.”
As you know, in cold weather you can not go out with a wet head. Yes, this is a dubious way to get off. However, due to its rarity, it still works: the main thing is to justify in time what the danger of going out with a wet head into the street can be.
Pure Truth
Finally, the simplest truth can be the best excuse for work. If employers are understanding and adequate, they may well enter into the position of an employee and give him time off due to a hangover or stress. But life can set a person such a task that no invented excuses can compare with:
“Because of the wild traffic jams, I was late for work for several days in a row, and the boss called me to his office to reprimand me. He asked what was the matter, and I sighed heavily and said that I did not know. I mean, I just didn’t have time to come up with a convincing argument, but he suddenly replied that I was probably having an existential crisis, and gave me a couple of days off.
An accident, obviously not like the truth, also happened to one worker Catering, who did not come to the shift due to the fact that she accidentally ended up in another city. And this actually happened: the girl mixed up the taxi and left instead of the center of her town to the neighboring region! Of course, she did not manage to get from there to the workplace quickly.
Or it can be much more banal: “The call center employee called the boss and honestly admitted that he had not yet sobered up to at least an approximate state of efficiency.”
In some cases, even frank arrogance helps: “I was not late, but adjusted my working day today to adequately inadequate yesterday’s and inversely proportional to normalized.”
How to legally not go to work
Naturally, we do not recommend using the above methods of excuses from work. This is a deception of the employer, which can result in a reprimand or dismissal. But there are perfectly legal ways to not go to work at all or to leave early. At the same time, you can even benefit yourself, relatives or society.
- Become a blood donor. Article 186 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation allows not to go to work on the day of blood donation. This day is paid in full. But if the employee still took the shift, then his legal day off is preserved: you can take it at any time.
- Go to dispensary. Once every three years, an employee is entitled to a paid day off to undergo medical examination. This is relevant for people under the age of 39: if in current year a year passes of their examination, then you can write an application and go to undergo the procedures. People over the age of 39 have the right to medical examination annually.
- Refer to extreme weather conditions. According to SanPiN 2.2.4.3359-16, if the temperature in the office is 32.5 or higher, the length of the working day is reduced to one hour. If the temperature approaches 30.5, then you can leave already four hours after the start of the working day.
- Take care of a sick child. If your son or daughter is sick, you have the right to take paid sick leave and treat them. People who care for disabled children are entitled to four additional days off during the month, in accordance with article 262 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation.
- Remind your boss that you worked weekends or holidays before. If before that you went to a shift outside the work schedule, then you have the right to demand a day off in exchange for the missing day. However, in this case, you can forget about double pay for the overtime shift: it will be paid as usual, but the new day off will not. By the way, you can ask for a day off today and work already on the weekend - perhaps the boss will agree and give you a little rest.
- Study at the university. Study holidays allow you to get from 40 to 50 days off for the period of the session. State exams give the opportunity to take a vacation for four months. Moreover, ten months before the start of the state examinations, the employee is entitled to a reduction in working hours by seven hours a week. In fact, this is equal to another day off. Moreover, all this time is paid, according to Art. 173 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation!
- Wedding, funeral or birth of a child. On these occasions, you can get up to five days off in a row. You only need to provide supporting documents. However, this will be unpaid leave.
- Work in the countryside. Women who work in the villages are entitled to one additional day off per month. True, according to part 2 of article 262 of the Labor Code of the Russian Federation, he is unpaid.
In addition, the days spent on passing a medical examination, advanced training at the initiative of the employer, treatment and rehabilitation of an occupational injury or disease should also be paid. Although in fact it is not quite a weekend, but still.
Whenever we want to lie in bed all day and not go to work, only one thought comes to mind - to say sick. Colds and flu can be a good excuse. And then you can not go to work for at least a whole week. However, in many cases, a doctor's note is indispensable. So the best excuse might not work. But be that as it may, the disease still remains a priority cause, and if you miss one day, nothing terrible will happen.
Compelling excuses not to go to work
Everyone sometimes does not want to go to work, so although not often, I still resort to some tricks. All you have to do is communicate your problem convincingly.
I was attacked by a robber
Last night I was in the city center (the city where you live). A guy ran up to me, grabbed my wallet and ran away. Or the thieves broke the glass of my car, I have to go to a car service and ask to miss one working day.
Meeting in court
My husband/wife has a judgment day today. This is a difficult time for both of us and I have to support him. Understand, enter into my position and excuse me for not coming to work today.
Emergency
I'm sorry to send this message and I can't call you personally, but I'm having a little trouble. Now I'm in the ambulance / on the way to the emergency room. After the doctors help me, I will immediately call you back and tell you how it happened.
Need help from my spouse
Call your boss or the office where your husband or wife works and say: I stumbled and fell down the stairs. My back hurts so much that I can't stand up. You can call/tell/ask my husband/wife and tell him to come and take me to the hospital.
Take care of animals
This excuse will help you leave / come home from work earlier. My parents went on vacation and asked me to help with the housework. So next 4 days, I have to come home early because I have to take care of 2 dogs, 3 cats and 4 birds. They cannot remain alone for long.
I feel bad and dizzy
I won't be able to come to work today. The fact is that yesterday I cleaned my shower with a new cleaning agent, inhaled the fumes and poisoned myself. I was sick all night and now I feel sick and dizzy. I feel terrible.
Very necessary
I can't come to work today due to some personal/women's reasons. It is necessary to report this news in a concerned and serious tone. If he or she has even the slightest bit of emotion, it will discourage him or her from asking any further questions.
Emergency situation
A pipe burst in the apartment, you are waiting for an emergency team / liquidating the consequences. The lock jammed, I had to break the door, now you can’t leave the apartment open.
pure truth
If the authorities are normal, you can tell the truth ... Tell me honestly that you have a hangover! It doesn't matter if it actually exists or not. Many appreciate the truth good boss understand and forgive.
How to convince your boss of the plausibility of ridiculous reasons
Even if you use a proven method and come up with a great excuse for not going to work, you still remember that there are points that you should definitely take into account. Before you call your boss and report an unexpected situation, think over your speech to the smallest detail.
- The tone of your voice during a phone call.
- Your reason must be plausible.
- How much time do you plan to solve your problems.
- Make sure the story is complete from start to finish.
- Do not change the timeline and events after you return to work.
- Come up with excuses that leave no room for questions and doubts.
After the plot starts to unwind, you will understand why all these points need to be thought out in advance. Many would like to find a good reason not to go to work in order to give themselves an impromptu vacation with family or friends. Or just take a day off from work to relieve stress. But still be careful when using any of the above excuses or any other you can think of. Think about whether you will offend or upset someone.
Remember that if someone does not know that your excuse is a lie, or if you are caught cheating, your reputation may be in jeopardy. Therefore, before looking for an answer on what to do in order not to go to work, think about how to maintain your integrity and not turn excuses into a habit.
To the well-known female excuses "headache" and "critical days" was added "dry throat"
“No, what are you, I really want to see you. Well, I can’t today, bunny, let’s try to rebuild our plans for tomorrow, huh? Well, what are you saying, well, how can I deceive you, well, well, dear, we will definitely meet tomorrow ... Yes ... I almost forgot - I love you. Having hung up, he returned to a friendly game of billiards, and she wrote to her friend in ICQ, what an insensitive bastard he was, and in general, he had already “worn out” all her nerves, and that she had bought new underwear in “Wild” in vain today. orchid” and painted her nails with his favorite (as she thinks) color and ... and ... in general, at least another hour and a half of uninterrupted tapping of her nails on the keyboard.
But tomorrow, going with her friends to a trendy club for a party with a male striptease, telling him that she had a reunion of high school, and she would come to the conclusion that excuses are a great thing. They are used by both men and women with varying frequency and success. We say them, we sculpt them, we suck them in, after all. What is certain is that each gender has its own wagon and little cart of these jewels, essences of fantasy and acting. In order to raise this disgrace to a new qualitative level, our magazine decided to systematize everything, put it on the shelves and serve it to you on a silver platter. Therefore, get-sign - a rating of the most favorite excuses of both sexes with incidental sketches of the reaction of the offended (th).
MALE EXCUSES
1. "I'm sorry, kitty, but today there is so much work that, well, we can't do it."
Leading the hit parade. It is checked: the excuse is iron, and it is almost impossible to dig into it. A puncture can only happen if the girls splash too loudly in the pool, or one of these fools, having heard their favorite “Tea rose is golden” on the radio, suddenly turns the volume up sharply at full power.
Shedding off within fifteen minutes after the call will be slightly annoyed by your eternal employment. But then, after all, she decides that a guy with such a wallet as yours is not so easy to pick up now, and, cursing in the end, she will start thinking about what she will do with the evening.
2. “Sweetie, I was already going to you, but then one eccentric with the letter “m” came, and now I have to communicate with him. I don't know when I'll get rid of him, so let's do it tomorrow."
Second place. It works only if, of course, you are a real businessman, and your working day does not end exactly at 17.00. There are two underminings for this excuse: 1. A telephone attack leading to white heat with questions like "Well, has he already left?" 2. The excuse will definitely not work if the one being rejected is yours, for example, a secretary (oh, sorry, assistant secretary or press secretary.)
The passions in the soul of the woman being sewn off will last at least an hour, she will be torn between the desire to call again “what if?” and cover you with all the words, because, damn it, she already refused to go with her friends to KinoMAX and took a bath with aromatic oils for an hour and a half.
3. “You know, dear, in just 15 minutes Sasha (Dimka, Vitka) will come to me - my friend (classmate, business partner from another city), we have not seen each other for a hundred years. Well, I can’t leave him, and he said that he would drive up right now. ”
Closes the top three. It works amazingly, especially if you add more optimism to your voice. A puncture can only happen if you suddenly forget that “Sasha” already “came” to you no more than two weeks ago.
Curses on the head of your "friend" will be poured at least the entire evening. She might even kick her favorite teddy bear and watch Bridget Jones's Diary for the 254th time with tears of rage.
4. “Oh, baby, I just wanted to recruit you. I’ve been stuck in a car service for almost an hour now and I’ve been watching how a bunch of villains rape my car, I can’t leave them alone with it, otherwise they’ll stuff something for me there without control, you know - Russia.
It will definitely work, especially if your driver, for example, took a day off due to a sudden bowel disease. A puncture can only be if she knows for sure that you have not seen car services in your eyes for five years already.
To begin with, she will hang on your phone for another ten minutes, whining and lamenting, and only after the three hundredth “well, nothing, little dog” will leave your ears alone and take care of the ears of her friends with a heartbreaking story that in Russia everything is through that very place .
5. “Oh, hello, lapula! What? No, no, I can't. Well, why didn’t you call earlier, I already made other plans for this evening. It's too late to change now."
This is a dangerous weapon, like a double-edged blade. Well, in 80% of cases, it will save you, especially if the relationship with the caller is just starting or, on the contrary, they promise to rest in Bose. But in 20% it can cause a nervous breakdown on the other end of the wire.
An option for 80% is a quiet whine and self-blame until the next call. For 20%… Hmm. Are you sure you want to know? All blasphemous epithets in all languages of the world will be sure to be uttered in your address, and the “selfish bastard” will be the softest of them, and she will “incline” you with all her friends. And only after making sure that she informed the whole world about what kind of “goat” you are, she will calm down and throw herself on the pillow with a flourish, bursting into burning tears.
6. “Zaya, I’m so tired, I had a very hard day today, I could even have breakfast only at five in the evening, why am I so wrapped up, come on tomorrow - I’ll be fresh as a cucumber and ready for anything you want” .
A very convincing excuse, especially for those ladies who need more than just money from you. For the full effect, be sure to let universal sadness into your voice. Only your acting skills can let you down here.
All evening she will worry about you, think about what she could do tomorrow to please you, and in the end she herself will fall into a state of relaxation and depression and turn on this stupid “Bridget Jones Diary” again, at the end of the film she will burst into tears with emotion and send you some "snotty" SMS-ku.
WOMAN EXCUSES
1. The first in the list of all the “poor”, “unfortunate”, emancipated - “Yes, today this Sigismund Sablezubovich piled on me so much overtime that I’m sitting in front of the computer like a zombie, and I don’t see the end of this burden.”
It always works, especially if you cover the unsuspecting Sabertooth for about ten minutes. “Disruption of the operation” can be if your interlocutor knows your boss very well, but you don’t know about it.
The offender will chuckle a couple of times at your boss's stupid middle name and start calling the next one on the list.
2. “Oh, my love, I’m now lying around with such a temperature (options: poisoning, wild headaches, debilitating critical days), I barely got to the phone.”
Unfading mega-hit. You'll screw up only if you don't have the brains to go out into the corridor, and not shout over the music of a nightclub during a conversation.
Well, if he is not crazy enough to run headlong to the pharmacy, he will continue to calmly drink beer with friends, but he will definitely remember the name of the disease in order to sympathetically ask about how he is feeling the next day.
3. “Ah, cat, Yulia has such problems (Serega left her, she didn’t get a blouse at a sale in a super-boutique), now I’m rushing to save her, I’ll probably even have to spend the night with her.”
The main thing here is to choose one of your friends in advance as a constantly whimpering source and do not forget to warn her about this in case, "if anything." You will fail only if this same Yulka is lying next to the caller.
He will think to himself: “What kind of fools are these women after all,” and will be satisfied with family sex for today.
4. “Yesterday you talked to me just awful, how can you do that, because of you today I’m just in a terrible state all day.”
Resentment - an excuse is just super. With a little thought, you can come up with a lot of reasons for resentment just on an intergalactic scale. Acting data and constant training in throwing the tube on the lever in a big way will save you from a puncture.
Out of bewilderment and annoyance, he kicks the wheel of the car during a conversation, and then he says the magical “Fuck you ...” - and decides that next time you will have to call him yourself.
5. “Oh, bunny, and today the girls and I are going to night club, I promised them a long time ago, well, of course, you can come, but we wanted to arrange a bachelorette party, but you won’t be interested in listening to us.
A wonderful excuse that can be exploited monthly. You will pierce only in the case of the hyper-jealous nature of the offender, who may want to make sure that you are really there.
Two seconds after the conversation, he will realize that the fools from "Sex in big city”- flowers compared to these lovers of stupid chatter, and decides that it’s finally good to sleep off normally too.
6. “You know, here, like snow on my head, my husband returned from a business trip (my son fell ill, my mother-in-law arrived).”
An excuse from the category of classic: the problems and surprises of a married woman are through the roof. The possible causes of punctures are unknown to science.
He will sigh in annoyance and think about whether to call the one he was going to first, because he already told his wife that he had a bridge tournament tonight.
EXCUSE "UNISEX"
“And I’m already on my way to the other one.”
It is used in exceptional cases for educational and punitive purposes, but it is always said in a joking tone, so that the object on the other end of the wire, after the handset is put down, does not throw out your phone number, and for two hours thinks: “Why did he (a) say this ( a)?".
So, the ends are cut off, the bridges are burned, the cards are open. As you can see, both sexes have a lot to say to each other. But now, if the voice on the other end of the line is chugging with all its might, pretending to be excuse number 2, you will only grin lazily.
1. Old as the world reasons: “I was late at work” or “I was with a friend” - now they will not work. Firstly, they immediately arouse suspicion (everyone always excuses themselves that way), and secondly, it is easy to check.
God forbid, she called exactly at this time to you at work or your friend. Come up with something super-original, like “waiting in line for a rose” or “transferring grandma across the street.” As a last resort, if nothing comes to mind, say honestly: "I was with my mistress." I swear - the wife will smile (“Joker!”), Because, as a rule, they never believe in the truth.
2. No need to pretend that you are suddenly imbued with tenderness for your spouse. Banal fawning will also betray you with your head. Outbursts of tenderness or unreasonable irritability are appropriate only in case of sincere repentance (which is imprudent) or when you have finally decided that it is time to “send slippers in the mail” (which is at least imprudent - children, house, bank accounts ...)
3. Do not give your wife gifts "suddenly" if you have not given them to her before. She will immediately have suspicions that you are “apologizing for sins” or lulling her vigilance. You should not remember the birthdays of your wife and her mother just as suddenly, if earlier you remembered it only after a heavy interrogative silence in the morning.
4. Behave as naturally as possible. Shifty eyes and an ingratiating voice are excluded simply by definition.
5. Date your mistress during the day. Your absence at night is more unnatural. If the job doesn't allow for this, change jobs. After all, we only live once! They say the night watchman is also making good money now...
6. Ask your mistress not to use perfume, because they are the main traitor. We understand that most women will not be delighted with such a request ... Therefore, stock up in advance with any strong-smelling agent in order to kill the smell: vodka, acetone, turpentine, gasoline (maggots or someone's slightly rotten carcass will do for fishermen and hunters). Some particularly sophisticated lovers use super-strong products, such as Old Spice deodorant, but a true gentleman will never be so inhumane.
7. The second option: give your mistress exactly the same perfume as your wife. True, in addition to perfumes, there are also a variety of shampoos, day and night creams, as well as the contents of endless jars and tubes, and all this is fragrant in the most arrogant way. So you’ll still get confused, it’s better to be a maggot ...
8. The classic version of the puncture is lipstick on the shirt collar. Are you still falling for this trap? Then wear dark clothes or carry a spare shirt with you. In extreme cases, the collar can be torn off, and this barbaric action can be attributed to the grandmother whom you were transferring across the road. And she resisted.
9. Ideally, if there are two or more women, the presence of secret apartments. Which neither your wife, nor her mother, nor even your friends suspect about (otherwise they will instantly become public property; and after a dozen of your friends visit there with variously smelling girlfriends, even maggot will not help).
10. Try not to catch the eye of anyone in the city - go outside of it (camping, walking in the woods, but without any fires, otherwise you will later explain why your jacket smelled not only of maggot, but also of smoke). Just do not forget that although Miami falls under the definition of “out of town”, it’s still too long to fly there, and the explanation about the grandmother will no longer fit, even if you tear off the cuffs along with the collar from the shirt.
11. Get a job with irregular hours and frequent business trips. True, at the same time, you will have to make friends with colleagues and the boss, who in a dangerous situation will nod: “Yes, yes, on a business trip. Yes, it will be tomorrow. Although, anything can be ... " or "Yes, we have work - heaps. We were here until the morning yesterday, all together, we wrote a report on the use of paper clips and stationery ink!
12. Speaking of friends. They are your rear, your hope, your mind, honor and conscience, your secret apartment, a condom and spare panties of the 46th size. In a sense, if something from this list is missing from you, they will let you use it. If they are actually friends, and not "pig tails."
13. The name is another way to get caught. Well, remember this situation: a husband and wife make love, and at the very climax, he calls her by a false name. Scandal, nightmare, divorce! Try calling both women by nicknames. Even the battered "bunny" and the ridiculous "elephant", "frog" and "pink deltatheridium" will do.
14. The ideal option is the same names for all nearby women. If you have enough arrogance and arrogance, then renaming can be done by force: “I call all women the same - Vasilisa!”
15. If you carry her in the same car as your wife, make sure that she does not leave her things in it. Check carefully, even a small hairpin can cause a divorce. However, there is a rumor about a certain craftsman who adapted a condom from the glove compartment somewhere into a carburetor and managed to convince his wife that “she won’t go” without it - but where is the guarantee that at a critical moment you will show the same resourcefulness and ingenuity?
16. Carefully study the schedule of your spouse's day - so that your routes do not intersect. There is a chance that your curiosity will be seen as concern. Make a route list, a travel schedule, a schedule for meeting with friends and a description of the technical process of a nail salon. Approach the matter thoroughly, as if it were your own business.
17. The situation “the husband returned from a business trip” is quite possible on the contrary. Therefore - in no case (!) Do not bring (!!) your mistress to your home (!!!). Even if the wife is on vacation abroad and should arrive in a month. Anything can happen. Epidemic in the country where she is resting. The money has run out. The cat got sick. The swimsuit was torn. The ancient wisdom that nothing is permanent in the world was derived primarily from the behavior of women.
18. Even if she definitely cannot return suddenly, all the same - do not take your mistress home. The neighbors also have eyes, ears and very long tongues, and the walls in our houses are very thin.
19. If you did bring your girlfriend to your house (hopefully passed!), Arrange sanitization after she left. Women's hair tends to end up in the most inappropriate places (however, you still won't clean it all, even if you are Stirlitz himself). The smell of bed linen (all those "creams and lotions" of hers!). A half-eaten pot of soup (obviously not your own cooking, because if you can cook soup yourself, then why do you need a wife?) ... Everything is thrown away, scrapped, washed!
20. Don't let your mistress home phone. Otherwise, you will have to come up with multiple answers to the question "Who called?" In the case when the wife will pick up the phone ... It's better not to talk about it at all. “Why are you silent and breathing there?” Horror!
21. Don't write down her phone numbers notebook, do not take business cards from her, do not leave her notes and photographs “as a keepsake”. Wives have a habit of searching personal belongings and pockets. How will you then explain the existence of such "material evidence"?
22. In general, you should have a whole collection of ideal "reasons" and "justifications", each of which would be learned as "Our Father"; a set of friends and colleagues who will “cover” you at the right time (it is advisable to lure your own parents to your side - the father will understand anyway, and the mother can be blackmailed by the threat of a family breakdown); a mass of secret apartments and familiar hotel administrators, a change of clothes and spare accessories. And most importantly, do not forget the mistress mobile phone- What if his wife calls him?
23. Don't take mistresses from your wife's entourage. Otherwise, it will turn out, as in the song: “Best friend, what have you done?” This situation 100% ends in tears.
24. Try not to make your romance on the side too long. The long role of a mistress will eventually turn into the role of a second wife, who will also nag you, be jealous and demand the impossible. Why do you need it?
25. Never confess your sins, even if you are caught red-handed. Do not believe her when she says: “Tell me, I will forgive everything!” Deny everything to the end, especially since your wife herself wants to believe in the best - that you still did not cheat on her. Give her some hope. Insist that your wife imagined everything, even if she found you in bed with your mistress.
To the well-known female excuses "headache" and "critical days" was added "dry throat"
“No, what are you, I really want to see you. Well, I can’t today, bunny, let’s try to rebuild our plans for tomorrow, huh? Well, what are you saying, well, how can I deceive you, well, well, dear, we will definitely meet tomorrow ... Yes ... I almost forgot - I love you.
Having hung up, he returned to a friendly game of billiards, and she wrote to her friend in ICQ, what an insensitive bastard he was, and in general, he had already “worn out” all her nerves, and that she had bought new underwear in “Wild” in vain today. orchid” and painted her nails with his favorite (as she thinks) color and ... and ... in general, at least another hour and a half of uninterrupted tapping of her nails on the keyboard.
But tomorrow, going with her friends to a trendy club for a party with a male striptease, telling him that she had a reunion of high school, and she would come to the conclusion that excuses are a great thing. They are used by both men and women with varying frequency and success. We say them, we sculpt them, we suck them in, after all.
What is certain is that each gender has its own wagon and little cart of these jewels, essences of fantasy and acting. In order to raise this disgrace to a new qualitative level, our magazine decided to systematize everything, put it on the shelves and serve it to you on a silver platter. Therefore, get-sign - a rating of the most favorite excuses of both sexes with incidental sketches of the reaction of the offended (th).
MALE EXCUSES
1. "I'm sorry, kitty, but today there is so much work that, well, we can't do it."
Leading the hit parade. It is checked: the excuse is iron, and it is almost impossible to dig into it. A puncture can only happen if the girls splash too loudly in the pool, or one of these fools, having heard their favorite “Tea rose is golden” on the radio, suddenly turns the volume up sharply at full power.
Shedding off within fifteen minutes after the call will be slightly annoyed by your eternal employment. But then, after all, she decides that a guy with such a wallet as yours is not so easy to pick up now, and, cursing in the end, she will start thinking about what she will do with the evening.
2. “Sweetie, I was already going to you, but then one eccentric with the letter “m” came, and now I have to communicate with him. I don't know when I'll get rid of him, so let's do it tomorrow."
Second place. It works only if, of course, you are a real businessman, and your working day does not end exactly at 17.00. There are two underminings for this excuse: 1. A telephone attack leading to white heat with questions like "Well, has he already left?" 2. The excuse will definitely not work if the one being rejected is yours, for example, a secretary (oh, sorry, assistant secretary or press secretary.)
The passions in the soul of the woman being sewn off will last at least an hour, she will be torn between the desire to call again “what if?” and cover you with all the words, because, damn it, she already refused to go with her friends to KinoMAX and took a bath with aromatic oils for an hour and a half.
3. “You know, dear, in just 15 minutes Sasha (Dimka, Vitka) will come to me - my friend (classmate, business partner from another city), we have not seen each other for a hundred years. Well, I can’t leave him, and he said that he would drive up right now. ”
Closes the top three. It works amazingly, especially if you add more optimism to your voice. A puncture can only happen if you suddenly forget that “Sasha” already “came” to you no more than two weeks ago.
Curses on the head of your "friend" will be poured at least the entire evening. She might even kick her favorite teddy bear and watch Bridget Jones's Diary for the 254th time with tears of rage.
4. “Oh, baby, I just wanted to recruit you. I’ve been stuck in a car service for almost an hour now and I’ve been watching how a bunch of villains rape my car, I can’t leave them alone with it, otherwise they’ll stuff something for me there without control, you know - Russia.
It will definitely work, especially if your driver, for example, took a day off due to a sudden bowel disease. A puncture can only be if she knows for sure that you have not seen car services in your eyes for five years already.
To begin with, she will hang on your phone for another ten minutes, whining and lamenting, and only after the three hundredth “well, nothing, little dog” will leave your ears alone and take care of the ears of her friends with a heartbreaking story that in Russia everything is through that very place .
5. “Oh, hello, lapula! What? No, no, I can't. Well, why didn’t you call earlier, I already made other plans for this evening. It's too late to change now."
This is a dangerous weapon, like a double-edged blade. Well, in 80% of cases, it will save you, especially if the relationship with the caller is just starting or, on the contrary, they promise to rest in Bose. But in 20% it can cause a nervous breakdown on the other end of the wire.
An option for 80% is a quiet whine and self-blame until the next call. For 20%… Hmm. Are you sure you want to know? All blasphemous epithets in all languages of the world will be sure to be uttered in your address, and the “selfish bastard” will be the softest of them, and she will “incline” you with all her friends. And only after making sure that she informed the whole world about what kind of “goat” you are, she will calm down and throw herself on the pillow with a flourish, bursting into burning tears.
6. “Zaya, I’m so tired, I had a very hard day today, I could even have breakfast only at five in the evening, why am I so wrapped up, come on tomorrow - I’ll be fresh as a cucumber and ready for anything you want” .
A very convincing excuse, especially for those ladies who need more than just money from you. For the full effect, be sure to let universal sadness into your voice. Only your acting skills can let you down here.
All evening she will worry about you, think about what she could do tomorrow to please you, and in the end she herself will fall into a state of relaxation and depression and turn on this stupid “Bridget Jones Diary” again, at the end of the film she will burst into tears with emotion and send you some "snotty" SMS-ku.
WOMAN EXCUSES
1. The first in the list of all the “poor”, “unfortunate”, emancipated - “Yes, today this Sigismund Sablezubovich piled on me so much overtime that I’m sitting in front of the computer like a zombie, and I don’t see the end of this burden.”
It always works, especially if you cover the unsuspecting Sabertooth for about ten minutes. “Disruption of the operation” can be if your interlocutor knows your boss very well, but you don’t know about it.
The offender will chuckle a couple of times at your boss's stupid middle name and start calling the next one on the list.
2. “Oh, my love, I’m now lying around with such a temperature (options: poisoning, wild headaches, debilitating critical days), I barely got to the phone.”
Unfading mega-hit. You'll screw up only if you don't have the brains to go out into the corridor, and not shout over the music of a nightclub during a conversation.
Well, if he is not crazy enough to run headlong to the pharmacy, he will continue to calmly drink beer with friends, but he will definitely remember the name of the disease in order to sympathetically ask about how he is feeling the next day.
3. “Ah, cat, Yulia has such problems (Serega left her, she didn’t get a blouse at a sale in a super-boutique), now I’m rushing to save her, I’ll probably even have to spend the night with her.”
The main thing here is to choose one of your friends in advance as a constantly whimpering source and do not forget to warn her about this in case, "if anything." You will fail only if this same Yulka is lying next to the caller.
He will think to himself: “What kind of fools are these women after all,” and will be satisfied for today with * ks in a family way.
4. “Yesterday you talked to me just awful, how can you do that, because of you today I’m just in a terrible state all day.”
Resentment - an excuse is just super. With a little thought, you can come up with a lot of reasons for resentment just on an intergalactic scale. Acting data and constant training in throwing the tube on the lever in a big way will save you from a puncture.
Out of bewilderment and annoyance, he kicks the wheel of the car during a conversation, and then he says the magical “Fuck you ...” - and decides that next time you will have to call him yourself.
5. “Oh, bunny, and today the girls and I are going to a nightclub, I promised them a long time ago, well, of course, you can come, but we wanted to arrange a bachelorette party, but you won’t be interested in listening to us.”
A wonderful excuse that can be exploited monthly. You will pierce only in the case of the hyper-jealous nature of the offender, who may want to make sure that you are really there.
Two seconds after the conversation, he will realize that the fools from "S * x in the big city" are flowers compared to these lovers of stupid chatter, and he will decide that finally a normal sleep is also not bad.
6. “You know, here, like snow on my head, my husband returned from a business trip (my son fell ill, my mother-in-law arrived).”
An excuse from the category of classic: the problems and surprises of a married woman are through the roof. The possible causes of punctures are unknown to science.
He will sigh in annoyance and think about whether to call the one he was going to first, because he already told his wife that he had a bridge tournament tonight.
EXCUSE "UNI*EX"
“And I’m already on my way to the other one.”
It is used in exceptional cases for educational and punitive purposes, but it is always said in a joking tone, so that the object on the other end of the wire, after the handset is put down, does not throw out your phone number, and for two hours thinks: “Why did he (a) say this ( a)?".
So, the ends are cut off, the bridges are burned, the cards are open. As you can see, both sexes have a lot to say to each other. But now, if the voice on the other end of the line is chugging with all its might, pretending to be excuse number 2, you will only grin lazily.
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